Top 5 Worse Things to Hoard

Ned

#5 - Dolls

I don't care what your reasoning about how much plastic molded into the shape of humans may be worth, because at the end of the day it is freaking creepy.  And I would to say that if you are a man that collects little pieces of perfect prepubescent female plastic than you should be on some sort of list of people not allowed to associated with children.

#4 - Cars

You are not going to put that thing back together, and your cousin is not going to ever get time to help you. Last week a local band of gypsies took up residence in a bus you forgot was even there.  They were run off by Simon the Killer Opossum that lives across the way in a broke down 1997 Ford Taurus. He was in turn stabbed to death by Bonnie the Prostitute who took time out of her busy schedule of spreading vernal disease to the local homeless population to go on a five day violent PCP trip.

Please get that crap out of your yard. It is driving down my property values. You stupid redneck.

#3 - Feces

It's true that Howard Hughes collected his urine in jars, but he was a great and visionary American.  You are an idiot that rents a trailer from your uncle.

#2 - Food

When the Zombies overrun the world and its militaries, your stash of expired cold cuts from the Piggly-Wiggly will not slow them down.

#1 - Pets

If your pets have become a substitute for human interaction then you are fucking lazy.  And that laziness is why they run your house and shit all over the floor.  Take a shower, call animal control, and give up on using this as a solution to your husband leaving you.  He's not coming back, and no man will ever date you with that much pussy in your life.