#10 - In the Dog
 |
#8 - By the Dead Hooker
#7 - With Drunk Charlie Sheen
#6 - In the Crack Den
#5 - In the Pool
#4 - In Jay-Z's Truck (and it's locked so you goin' need a warrant for that.)
#3 - Under the Law Mower
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Top 10 Places You Lost Your Keys
Ned
#10 - In the Dog
#9 - In the Gutter
#8 - By the Dead Hooker
#7 - With Drunk Charlie Sheen
#10 - In the Dog
#8 - By the Dead Hooker
#7 - With Drunk Charlie Sheen
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Top 5 Things to Do With a Bag of Poisonous Snakes
Ned
#5 - Get Even
Everybody has been wronged, but a bag of snakes makes you right. Go prove your point!
#4 - Rob a Bank
#3 - Cut in Line
Why buy a fast pass when a bag of snakes gets you to front faster than fast.
#2 - Ball Pit
I hate snakes.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Top 5 Worse Things to Hoard
Ned
#5 - Dolls
I don't care what your reasoning about how much plastic molded into the shape of humans may be worth, because at the end of the day it is freaking creepy. And I would to say that if you are a man that collects little pieces of perfect prepubescent female plastic than you should be on some sort of list of people not allowed to associated with children.
#4 - Cars
You are not going to put that thing back together, and your cousin is not going to ever get time to help you. Last week a local band of gypsies took up residence in a bus you forgot was even there. They were run off by Simon the Killer Opossum that lives across the way in a broke down 1997 Ford Taurus. He was in turn stabbed to death by Bonnie the Prostitute who took time out of her busy schedule of spreading vernal disease to the local homeless population to go on a five day violent PCP trip.
Please get that crap out of your yard. It is driving down my property values. You stupid redneck.
#3 - Feces
It's true that Howard Hughes collected his urine in jars, but he was a great and visionary American. You are an idiot that rents a trailer from your uncle.
#2 - Food
When the Zombies overrun the world and its militaries, your stash of expired cold cuts from the Piggly-Wiggly will not slow them down.
#1 - Pets
If your pets have become a substitute for human interaction then you are fucking lazy. And that laziness is why they run your house and shit all over the floor. Take a shower, call animal control, and give up on using this as a solution to your husband leaving you. He's not coming back, and no man will ever date you with that much pussy in your life.
#5 - Dolls
#4 - Cars
You are not going to put that thing back together, and your cousin is not going to ever get time to help you. Last week a local band of gypsies took up residence in a bus you forgot was even there. They were run off by Simon the Killer Opossum that lives across the way in a broke down 1997 Ford Taurus. He was in turn stabbed to death by Bonnie the Prostitute who took time out of her busy schedule of spreading vernal disease to the local homeless population to go on a five day violent PCP trip.
Please get that crap out of your yard. It is driving down my property values. You stupid redneck.
#3 - Feces
It's true that Howard Hughes collected his urine in jars, but he was a great and visionary American. You are an idiot that rents a trailer from your uncle.
#2 - Food
When the Zombies overrun the world and its militaries, your stash of expired cold cuts from the Piggly-Wiggly will not slow them down.
#1 - Pets
If your pets have become a substitute for human interaction then you are fucking lazy. And that laziness is why they run your house and shit all over the floor. Take a shower, call animal control, and give up on using this as a solution to your husband leaving you. He's not coming back, and no man will ever date you with that much pussy in your life.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Top 5 Worst National Flags
Ned
5. Bosnia & Herzegovina
I know they had a civil war and what not, but you would think that would encourage a people to develop little bit of national pride in overcoming internal strife. Instead the good people of Bosnia & Herzegovina elected to use random shapes haphazardly thrown at a wall. It looks like they took an cropped out this image from the actual flag.
4. Guam
I know that the US owns Guam as a territory but still you would think they would put a little more effort into a flag. And if you are going to make a flag with a random boat and tree, then make it the whole flag and not some small after thought stuck in the flat center of the flag. Next time Guam, take out the iron on patch and stick with the blue with red outline.
3. Central African Republic
I don't think this country actually exist. It is as if the rest of world gave up on exploring the center of Africa and decided instead to make it easier for everyone by inventing an easy to remember name and quickly slapped together a quickly forgettable flag to legitimize it.
2. Mozambique
Book...Hoe...AK-47...why use symbols when you can be plain about it?
Mozambique to all international investors, "We don't need, no will we accept, your good will or money. Furthermore if you do decide to visit our glorious nation, we will shot your ass dead."
1. Belize
Is this a flag or a Polo ad? I know this, if I wanted to conquer a country, I would start with the one with two easy going shirtless guys of questionable sexuality staring in different directions sitting front and center on the national flag.
5. Bosnia & Herzegovina
I know they had a civil war and what not, but you would think that would encourage a people to develop little bit of national pride in overcoming internal strife. Instead the good people of Bosnia & Herzegovina elected to use random shapes haphazardly thrown at a wall. It looks like they took an cropped out this image from the actual flag.
4. Guam
I know that the US owns Guam as a territory but still you would think they would put a little more effort into a flag. And if you are going to make a flag with a random boat and tree, then make it the whole flag and not some small after thought stuck in the flat center of the flag. Next time Guam, take out the iron on patch and stick with the blue with red outline.
3. Central African Republic
I don't think this country actually exist. It is as if the rest of world gave up on exploring the center of Africa and decided instead to make it easier for everyone by inventing an easy to remember name and quickly slapped together a quickly forgettable flag to legitimize it.
2. Mozambique
Book...Hoe...AK-47...why use symbols when you can be plain about it?
Mozambique to all international investors, "We don't need, no will we accept, your good will or money. Furthermore if you do decide to visit our glorious nation, we will shot your ass dead."
1. Belize
Is this a flag or a Polo ad? I know this, if I wanted to conquer a country, I would start with the one with two easy going shirtless guys of questionable sexuality staring in different directions sitting front and center on the national flag.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Top 5 Westerns
Ned
Honorable Mention to Shane, Lonesome Dove, & Tombstone. I would have given Shane more but only like this movie because I get to debate if Shane is dead at the end of it or not. Lonesome Dove would have been #2 on this list but it's a TV mini-series and not a true movie. Finally Tombstone would have gotten a higher rating but only like the scenes that Val Kilmer is in.
#5 - The Searchers
There are a fewer John Ford and John Wayne movies that come to mind when putting together a top western list, but I keep coming back to the Searches. It has all the trappings of a big John Ford movie and it is John Wayne at his best John Wayne.
#4 - The Wild Bunch
If you haven't seen the Wild Bunch then you need to fire up the Netflix at work an get it done. This is the movie that began ultra-violence in movies. Its as if they said, "Enough of the talking, let's just make a movie that is one long gunfight."
#3 - Unforgiven
It's just good. The pacing is perfect. The fact there is no real good or bad guys. It addresses the idea of how a hit man was hired and how killing is a dirty ass business. The Duck of Death is awesome. It gives the unnamed rider of the Spaghetti Western a sunset to ride off into. Every story line is entertaining, no scene is wasted, and no extra frame of film was used.
#2 - Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Instead of the lone rider, this is one of the true buddy westerns, and yet there is the interplay of a mutual love interest. This movie is smart and ends like an opera.
#1 - The Good the Bad and the Ugly
Why hasn't anyone else made a western like this? It is a movie that stands on its own as if delivered into the collective subconscious of humanity and not actually made by humans. The best way to describe this movie for those that have had that portion of their subconscious removed is that it is a bar fight between three men that spills over into the street, the church next door, the prison camp across town, a battle over a bridge, and finally a gunfight in a graveyard. Why don't they make westerns like this...they can't.
Kendall
I like Westerns, but I don't typically love them. I also don't typically like movies shot before... say... 1980, and I hate black and white, so this isn't a slam dunk category for me. That being said, I'm your huckleberry.
#5 - The Quick and the Dead
It's a freaking gunfighting tournament. Great stuff.
#4 - Seven Samurai
Okay, not really a Western by name, but in every other way it is. Awesome, awesome movie.
#3 - Cemetary Without Crosses
The perfect Spaghetti/Paella Western. Love the bounty hunter angle, and I'm a sucker for the anti-hero.
#2 - 3:10 to Yuma
It gets panned, but I really like it. I love Christian Bale in this sort of role.
#1 - Tombstone
One of my top-ten favorite movies ever. Ned's wrong -- this movie is great even in the parts without Val Kilmer's Doc Holliday (though he is clearly the best character.)
Honorable Mention to Shane, Lonesome Dove, & Tombstone. I would have given Shane more but only like this movie because I get to debate if Shane is dead at the end of it or not. Lonesome Dove would have been #2 on this list but it's a TV mini-series and not a true movie. Finally Tombstone would have gotten a higher rating but only like the scenes that Val Kilmer is in.
#5 - The Searchers
There are a fewer John Ford and John Wayne movies that come to mind when putting together a top western list, but I keep coming back to the Searches. It has all the trappings of a big John Ford movie and it is John Wayne at his best John Wayne.
#4 - The Wild Bunch
If you haven't seen the Wild Bunch then you need to fire up the Netflix at work an get it done. This is the movie that began ultra-violence in movies. Its as if they said, "Enough of the talking, let's just make a movie that is one long gunfight."
#3 - Unforgiven
It's just good. The pacing is perfect. The fact there is no real good or bad guys. It addresses the idea of how a hit man was hired and how killing is a dirty ass business. The Duck of Death is awesome. It gives the unnamed rider of the Spaghetti Western a sunset to ride off into. Every story line is entertaining, no scene is wasted, and no extra frame of film was used.
#2 - Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Instead of the lone rider, this is one of the true buddy westerns, and yet there is the interplay of a mutual love interest. This movie is smart and ends like an opera.
#1 - The Good the Bad and the Ugly
Why hasn't anyone else made a western like this? It is a movie that stands on its own as if delivered into the collective subconscious of humanity and not actually made by humans. The best way to describe this movie for those that have had that portion of their subconscious removed is that it is a bar fight between three men that spills over into the street, the church next door, the prison camp across town, a battle over a bridge, and finally a gunfight in a graveyard. Why don't they make westerns like this...they can't.
Kendall
I like Westerns, but I don't typically love them. I also don't typically like movies shot before... say... 1980, and I hate black and white, so this isn't a slam dunk category for me. That being said, I'm your huckleberry.
#5 - The Quick and the Dead
It's a freaking gunfighting tournament. Great stuff.
#4 - Seven Samurai
Okay, not really a Western by name, but in every other way it is. Awesome, awesome movie.
#3 - Cemetary Without Crosses
The perfect Spaghetti/Paella Western. Love the bounty hunter angle, and I'm a sucker for the anti-hero.
#2 - 3:10 to Yuma
It gets panned, but I really like it. I love Christian Bale in this sort of role.
#1 - Tombstone
One of my top-ten favorite movies ever. Ned's wrong -- this movie is great even in the parts without Val Kilmer's Doc Holliday (though he is clearly the best character.)
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Top 5 Favorite Television Show of All Time
#5 - West Wing
It was good, funny, and quick. You had to be on your game and ready with the rewind to get the references, jokes, and drama.
#4 - Star Trek Next Generation
When nothing else is on, I watch this show. That may not seem like a high compliment, but I know that I have watched every episode of this show at least three times, and I keep on watching. I like to play the game what is wrong with the technology of the 24th century, who hasn't Riker slept with on the ship, and how much more annoy could Tori make this scene.
#3 - 30 Rock
It's not my fault that I have a thing for Tina Fey. She went to school at UVA, which adds something for me as sad as that is, and Alex Baldwin is amazing in every scene, every show, every time. Oh yeah, and other people are funny on the show too.
It was good, funny, and quick. You had to be on your game and ready with the rewind to get the references, jokes, and drama.
#4 - Star Trek Next Generation
When nothing else is on, I watch this show. That may not seem like a high compliment, but I know that I have watched every episode of this show at least three times, and I keep on watching. I like to play the game what is wrong with the technology of the 24th century, who hasn't Riker slept with on the ship, and how much more annoy could Tori make this scene.
#3 - 30 Rock
It's not my fault that I have a thing for Tina Fey. She went to school at UVA, which adds something for me as sad as that is, and Alex Baldwin is amazing in every scene, every show, every time. Oh yeah, and other people are funny on the show too.
#2 - Top Gear (BBC)
It's a buddy movie, social commentary, and car show. They blow stuff up, and race, and have a guy in a helmet, and they constantly cause it other pain, and they don't really care. Its just plain better.
#1 - Saturday Night Live
Is it always a good show? No. Is it always going to be funny? No. Does it always have the possibility? Yes. I like that SNL fails, but even when it does it is better than every other show out there. It's live, it's different every week, and yet it's formula remains the same.
Kendall
#5 - Dexter
I'm a big fan of the anti-hero protagonist, and you don't get much more anti-hero than a freaking serial killer. Dexter makes you care about this murderer and empathize with his killings. That is supreme storytelling, if you ask me. Also, I think Michael C. Hall is A+ perfect casting. The only reason Dex isn't listed higher than 5 on my list is because of lackluster season 3 and anything involving Rita, who I found to be completely annoying.
#4 - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Ned ranks SNL #1 on his list because it has the chance to be funny, but I rank Sunny on my top 5 because it is ALWAYS funny. I guess that's the difference between the two of us -- he likes to roll the dice on a show that lasts an hour and a half, while I like to reliably pack twice the funny into a 30-minute tour de force. Is there a better character than Charlie Kelly on television right now?
#3 - Eastbound and Down
If Dexter is the ultimate anti-hero, then Kenny Powers is a close second. This show is like a quote-generating machine. Listen up you beautiful bitch, 'cause I'm about to fuck you up with some truth.
#2 - Survivor
I tend to love all things Machiavellian. Survivor is a glossy, glassy network game show, but it has managed to find ways to evolve and advance itself into deeper, darker corners of backstabbing and alliance-forging. 12 years and 24 seasons deep, and I haven't missed a single episode.
#1a - The Sopranos
Spot-on casting, incredible storytelling, impossible to top. This show paved the way for the revolution of the cable-style hour-long drama, leading directly to the rise of such great shows as Deadwood, Breaking Bad, Mad Men, Dexter, Six Feet Under, etc., etc., etc. It's a long list, and it's the reason we are now experiencing a Golden Age of television. The Sopranos should really be everyone's favorite show.
#1b - The Walking Dead
I never thought I'd be able to enjoy a show more than I've enjoyed The Sopranos, but The Walking Dead is a real contender. It combines everything I love about Machiavellian storytelling with the emotional drama of The Sopranos. Plus, zombies. It's a spicy enchilada, this show.
It's a buddy movie, social commentary, and car show. They blow stuff up, and race, and have a guy in a helmet, and they constantly cause it other pain, and they don't really care. Its just plain better.
#1 - Saturday Night Live
Is it always a good show? No. Is it always going to be funny? No. Does it always have the possibility? Yes. I like that SNL fails, but even when it does it is better than every other show out there. It's live, it's different every week, and yet it's formula remains the same.
Kendall
#5 - Dexter
I'm a big fan of the anti-hero protagonist, and you don't get much more anti-hero than a freaking serial killer. Dexter makes you care about this murderer and empathize with his killings. That is supreme storytelling, if you ask me. Also, I think Michael C. Hall is A+ perfect casting. The only reason Dex isn't listed higher than 5 on my list is because of lackluster season 3 and anything involving Rita, who I found to be completely annoying.
#4 - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Ned ranks SNL #1 on his list because it has the chance to be funny, but I rank Sunny on my top 5 because it is ALWAYS funny. I guess that's the difference between the two of us -- he likes to roll the dice on a show that lasts an hour and a half, while I like to reliably pack twice the funny into a 30-minute tour de force. Is there a better character than Charlie Kelly on television right now?
#3 - Eastbound and Down
If Dexter is the ultimate anti-hero, then Kenny Powers is a close second. This show is like a quote-generating machine. Listen up you beautiful bitch, 'cause I'm about to fuck you up with some truth.
#2 - Survivor
I tend to love all things Machiavellian. Survivor is a glossy, glassy network game show, but it has managed to find ways to evolve and advance itself into deeper, darker corners of backstabbing and alliance-forging. 12 years and 24 seasons deep, and I haven't missed a single episode.
#1a - The Sopranos
Spot-on casting, incredible storytelling, impossible to top. This show paved the way for the revolution of the cable-style hour-long drama, leading directly to the rise of such great shows as Deadwood, Breaking Bad, Mad Men, Dexter, Six Feet Under, etc., etc., etc. It's a long list, and it's the reason we are now experiencing a Golden Age of television. The Sopranos should really be everyone's favorite show.
#1b - The Walking Dead
I never thought I'd be able to enjoy a show more than I've enjoyed The Sopranos, but The Walking Dead is a real contender. It combines everything I love about Machiavellian storytelling with the emotional drama of The Sopranos. Plus, zombies. It's a spicy enchilada, this show.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Top 5 Breakfast Foods
Kendall
Honorable Mention: Doughnuts, Blueberry Pancakes, Belgian Waffle, Bacon, Bagels, Home Fries, Hash Browns, Corned Beef Hash, French Toast, Biscuits and Gravy, Steak and Eggs, Omelettes (of all types), Scrapple, Lox, Nova, Bloody Mary
#5 - Shit on Shingles
It's a Navy thing that my grandfather taught me, combining all the best parts of toast, gravy, and chipped beef. Totally delicious, and the perfect fuel for a day spent kicking asses and taking names. Plus, you get to use profanity when you talk about it. Don't like chipped beef? Just use sausage gravy, it's basically the same effect. I like this better than biscuits and gravy because the toast tends to not get so soggy so quickly. SoS is best if you use a whole-grain toast, something that can stand up to the chipped beef.
#4 - Corncakes
Pancakes made from cornmeal. Much more toothsome and substantial than a regular pancake, they give you a satisfying crunch around the edges, and you don't feel that tinge of nausea after you eat them. Great with syrup, great with applesauce, even better with honey, best with blackberry jam. These babies hold butter like a champion. Would have been #1 on this list if it weren't for the next three things...
#3 - Gashouse Eggs (aka Egg in the Basket, One-Eyed Monster, Alabama Eggs, Bird's Nest, Cowboy Eggs, Egg in the Hole, One-Eyed Jack, Moon Eggs, and Rocky Mountain Toast)
Not one that I think many people know about, which is too bad because they are: a) easy to make, and b) great for kids. It's like a wonderful combination of savory french toast and an over-easy egg. My favorite thing about gashouse eggs is how the yolk permeates the toast in the middle, but not around the edges. so the outside is crispy/crunchy, the area around the egg is moist and fluffy, and the egg itself is.. well... an egg. But don't make these if you don't like runny yolks! Bonus points if you throw a piece of American cheese on the top and melt it a little at the end of cooking. SUPER bonus points if you hit it with some sausage gravy or chipped beef.
#2 - Eggs Benedict
Good Lord man, this is like breakfast nirvana. The only issue is that so many people and restaurants make it incorrectly. The hollandaise sauce is intimidating, and easy to screw up. But with just a little bit of practice (and a lot of TLC) it's not so difficult to pull off. Try making it with smoked salmon instead of the ham -- it makes it even better. (Note: Learning how to properly poach an egg should be a weapon in every home cook's arsenal. You can eat those on their own, they are super easy to make, take less time to cook than a freaking hard boiled egg, and you can use them to top lean meats - especially salmon - and salads. Plus, poaching eggs makes you sexy to the ladies.)
#1 - Alaskan Waffle
It's just a fucking waffle with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top. It is perfect in its simplicity.
#3 - Jalapeño Bagel, Bacon Scallion cream cheese
Honorable Mention: Doughnuts, Blueberry Pancakes, Belgian Waffle, Bacon, Bagels, Home Fries, Hash Browns, Corned Beef Hash, French Toast, Biscuits and Gravy, Steak and Eggs, Omelettes (of all types), Scrapple, Lox, Nova, Bloody Mary
#5 - Shit on Shingles
It's a Navy thing that my grandfather taught me, combining all the best parts of toast, gravy, and chipped beef. Totally delicious, and the perfect fuel for a day spent kicking asses and taking names. Plus, you get to use profanity when you talk about it. Don't like chipped beef? Just use sausage gravy, it's basically the same effect. I like this better than biscuits and gravy because the toast tends to not get so soggy so quickly. SoS is best if you use a whole-grain toast, something that can stand up to the chipped beef.
#4 - Corncakes
Pancakes made from cornmeal. Much more toothsome and substantial than a regular pancake, they give you a satisfying crunch around the edges, and you don't feel that tinge of nausea after you eat them. Great with syrup, great with applesauce, even better with honey, best with blackberry jam. These babies hold butter like a champion. Would have been #1 on this list if it weren't for the next three things...
#3 - Gashouse Eggs (aka Egg in the Basket, One-Eyed Monster, Alabama Eggs, Bird's Nest, Cowboy Eggs, Egg in the Hole, One-Eyed Jack, Moon Eggs, and Rocky Mountain Toast)
Not one that I think many people know about, which is too bad because they are: a) easy to make, and b) great for kids. It's like a wonderful combination of savory french toast and an over-easy egg. My favorite thing about gashouse eggs is how the yolk permeates the toast in the middle, but not around the edges. so the outside is crispy/crunchy, the area around the egg is moist and fluffy, and the egg itself is.. well... an egg. But don't make these if you don't like runny yolks! Bonus points if you throw a piece of American cheese on the top and melt it a little at the end of cooking. SUPER bonus points if you hit it with some sausage gravy or chipped beef.
#2 - Eggs Benedict
Good Lord man, this is like breakfast nirvana. The only issue is that so many people and restaurants make it incorrectly. The hollandaise sauce is intimidating, and easy to screw up. But with just a little bit of practice (and a lot of TLC) it's not so difficult to pull off. Try making it with smoked salmon instead of the ham -- it makes it even better. (Note: Learning how to properly poach an egg should be a weapon in every home cook's arsenal. You can eat those on their own, they are super easy to make, take less time to cook than a freaking hard boiled egg, and you can use them to top lean meats - especially salmon - and salads. Plus, poaching eggs makes you sexy to the ladies.)
#1 - Alaskan Waffle
It's just a fucking waffle with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top. It is perfect in its simplicity.
 |
| BOOM. |
Ned
#5 - Fresh Fruit
In my adulthood I have begun to see the wisdom behind what our blessed mother commerce has been trying to sell me along with a better way to get an erection: fresh fruit in the morning. Now mother commerce may not be in your face about it, but every breakfast commercial has some sort of fruit in a bowl in the background. Fresh fruit gives you that quick start sugar, and helps to quench the thirst you built up sleeping. Breakfast without fruit is breakfast of the ignorant.
#4 - Egg McMuffin
I have spoken of my love for the Egg McMuffin before. It is the perfect size, shape, texture, and combination of elements. Herb Peterson was a genius and can rest in heaven knowing he improved the world one happy ass smile at a time. Well done sir, well done.
Warm Bagel + Jalapeño Spice + The cool cream + Bacon + Scallion = Best bread product you have ever eaten. I don't know which Mid-western Mexican Jew came up with this, but this unholy alliance proves American Innovation is still light years ahead of the rest of the world.
#2 - Bacon
Look at that..... You weren't hungry and the someone was offering up bacon and things just got a lot better.
#1 - Waffle House Triple Hashbrowns Scattered Smothered Covered Peppered and Topped
The only reason they don't call it Hash Brown House is because of the drug reference. The best breakfast is available 24 hours a day.
Waffle House Triple Hashbrowns Scattered Smothered Covered Peppered and Topped will cure that in life which is wrong. I would eat this everyday and never die because this food heals. (Screw Mushrooms by the way. I don't need no Fungus in my Food.)
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